7 THINGS ACTION MOVIES TAUGHT ME

Posted: July 13, 2010 in Uncategorized


1. Never actually face an explosion. I wouldn’t have guessed this fit standard safety regulations…but apparently the correct way to detonate a massive explosion is to turn 180 degrees from the blast zone and start slowly walking away with a determined, yet calm look on your face. You then push the single-button detonator in your hand and KABOOOM. And don’t you dare flinch. Flinching is BUSH LEAGUE! If you can ignite the explosion by flicking a cigarette backwards and igniting a trail of gasoline without looking, all the better.


2. Before you get into some serious shit, you best find an old friend who thinks what you’re doing is wrong, but has your back no matter what. He’ll tell you your crazy… but then again so is he. Then the two of you must solidify your arrangement by engaging in a kind of underhanded handshake that sort of looks like you’re having an armwrestling match without a table. The less you say here the better… let the handshake do the talking.


3. If you tie a guy up and spend a good half hour beating the piss out of him trying in vain to extract information, be sure to keep a few steps back when you ask him if he’s ready to talk. He WILL spit in your face or headbutt you in the nose. This is a given. The spit will be bloody FYI…and Hepititus is real.


4. If you think that today of all days is a fine day to decide not to wear your Kevlar Vest because its too hot and/or restrictive, you pretty much just died, tough guy. Like, Lay down man… you’re already dead.


5. If you’re the low man on the terrorist totem pole here’s a tip: If your lookouts suddenly stop answering their walkies, and the boss tells you to go check it out, tell him to suck your dick. Its not a problem with the radio… IT’S NEVER THE RADIO!


6. Human shields are bullshit. The person aiming a gun at you will either kill your human shield to show you how bad ass he is, or just aim up and to the left a bit and take you square between the eyes. Not to mention the human shield or two out there that will stomp your foot or elbow you in the gut! Just a horrible plan from the get go. You know what works better, stay inside the bank!


7. Nothing puts the sizzle back into an estranged marriage like a good old fashioned hostage situation. In fact, multiple homicides and a few gunshot wounds can really bring your deflated lovelife into perspective. If you want to get your relationship back on track, just put that hate-filled spouse into a dangerous perdicament and then proceed to save their ass. Mass murder sure does make a girl horny! Can you say “bow-chicka-wow-wow”. You look damn good in that emergency blanket!

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10 Kinds of Douche Bag

Posted: July 7, 2010 in Uncategorized
  1. You hold your fingers up as “antennae” behind people’s heads in photos thinking YOU made THEM look foolish. Sorry, I’m confused, was this ever funny? Seems like a dick move that just ruins pictures for no apparent reason. Douche!
  2. When you come up to enter a door that happens to be open, instead of saying “hello” to the occupants you do a faux knock by saying “Knock Knock!”. This also goes for people who, instead of using the accepted pleasantry “excuse me”, prefer to make a horn sound, “Beep Beep”. Unless you’re that black guy from Police Academy I could do without your brilliant impressions of inanimate objects!
  3. If your car has a subwoofer kickin’ out bass low enough to make me lose control of my bowels. Often, insult is added to injury by subjecting us all to a steady diet of rave-worthy techno day in day out. I don’t know about you, but I do not need these jarheads driving around my neighborhood in their portable dance club.
  4. You camp outside in front of a store for more than 4 hours to buy a book, movie, video game, or gaming console. If you just wait a week you can do yourself a favour and purchase it with some dignity. Thinking you’ve accomplished something by reading Harry Potter before anyone else shows a distinct problem with your value structure.
  5. If you inflict pain on friends or family using any of the following methods: Wedgies, Purple Nurples, Horsie Bites, Indian sunburns, Wet Willies or Noogies. If the ridiculous names don’t give it away– you fucking douche bags– the awkward silence that lingers after others are forced to watch this tom foolery should.
  6. If your car has a personalized license plate. This one doesn’t even need an explanation. You’re a douche…end of discussion. Unless of course you’re driving a time machine Delorian… but you’re not.
  7. Anyone who frequents the IT Store or any store like the IT Store. Listen douche, a cup fashioned into a giant nipple that you drink out of isn’t funny or clever. Nor is your hilarious “fart machine”. You are NOT FUNNY TO ANYONE. Eat poison. We hate when you bring this shit out.
  8. Any guy who wears dress shoes that are pointier and more expensive than his girlfriend’s shoes, is a douche. Don’t believe me, head down to the club district or Yorkville on a weekend. You’ll see.
  9. Any man, who in the year 2010, still thinks spiky hair with frosted tips and a weirdly shaped, “Nasca Lines” of a goatee is working. I see you enter a party and I go hide by the spinach dip. I’m sure you’re a real raconteur… but your B44 hairstyle is making my eyes burn with enough product to choke a horse. You stink of strippers… and not in a good way.
  10. If you drive a Jeep with the doors off, enjoy wearing muscle shirts, own a rope necklace with some tribal symbol, and cap it off with a straw cowboy hat, I’m pretty sure you’re a douche. Listen, life isn’t a juicy fruit commercial you silly son of a bitch. I get it…you’re extremely extreme. Now cover your jeep, put on a shirt and get a job. Douche.

WORLD’S MOST REALISTIC LOOKING “FACE” MASK

Posted: July 7, 2010 in Uncategorized

You see a face mask… I see a good old fashioned wife swap in the making! They just need to make a Daryl mask… and a Brad Pitt mask… and its ON! Although Angelina might wonder how Brad got so grotesquely fat and well endowed over night…but with a mask this convincing, what can she do?

24 FACTS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME!

Posted: July 6, 2010 in Uncategorized

Here’s 24 interesting factoids you might not know about yours truly.  If you read this, I guarantee you’ll learn something about me.  If you don’t… your an asshole who clearly hates awesome, so piss off.

  1. I have a severe phobia of barfing.  Not OTHER people barfing… ME barfing.  Therefore I do not fear those who are sick from the drink…only if they have the flu which I could in turn be infected by, thus making me barf.  Even my phobias are self-centered!  I’m consistent, if anything.
  2. I absolutely love the smell of gasoline, markers, and lighter fluid.  Not enough to “huff” it, but pretty damn close and I make no promises  for the future.
  3. I wrote my first joke when I was only 4 years old.  It goes a little something like: “What do you call a door with the Measles?  The Polka-dot Door!”   Boom…roasted bitch.
  4. I’ve secretly coveted any man on the face of the earth who own a chimpanzee outright.  Not some douche bag at the zoo throwing bananas for minimum wage, I’m talking OWNS a chimp… for keeps.  If I owned a chimp, instead of having to go with a mere POSTER of a chimp on the toilet reading the newspaper on my bathroom wall…I could have an actual chimp reading the newspaper ON MY TOILET.  It blows the mind.
  5. I was so in love with the Peanuts Gang (Charlie Brown and friends) that as a small child, anytime one of the various holiday specials would be on TV, I would sit only inches from the screen.  When the program ended, I knew I was fresh out of Chucky B joints until the next holiday rolled around.  This would invariably  send me into a blood rage that ended with an inconsolable little boy HUGGING the television screaming goodbye.  Sniff…that shit was REAL, yo.
  6. I constantly sing to myself… like… all the time.  Even when I’m doing sweet dick all.  The weirdest part of this phenomenon is that I don’t sing actual songs or even words that make any fucking sense.  I just kind of… freestyle.  Actually, take the concept of “freestyling” then imagine all the good things that word imbues and remove them completely and that’s what I do.  I don’t know the actual meaning of the word “caterwalling” …but this could be it.
  7. From the age of 19 to 21 years old I suffered horrible insomnia, sleeping no more than 3 hours a night.  Irreparable brain damage?  Believe it.  The only thing that could put me to sleep was my 17-tape VHS collection of recorded “Star Trek: TNG” episodes.  Because of this, I now can catch approximately five seconds of any episode and tell you what episode it is.  An admittedly pathetic, yet so far unmatched talent.
  8. I’m confused by the fact that I’m APPARENTLY the only person in the world who thinks a freshly opened can of Tuna smell EXACTLY like cat piss.  Don’t get me wrong, I quite like tuna…but I’m just saying, in a blindfold smelling test, I could not differentiate between tuna, and cat piss.  End of Discussion.
  9. I will chew a piece of gum all day long.  Some people spit the gum out the second the flavour is gone.  I argue the flavour is NEVER gone.  Oh, and in case you’re wondering, eventually the gum hardens into a puddy-like consistency, then begins to disintegrate as my mouth juices slowly digest it like a boa constrictor.  Few of you know this, because you don’t commit to an old-fashioned gum-chewin’ like I do.
  10. I’ve never been in a real fight.  I mean, there were some all-out shoving and tripping battles back in grade 2 but I’ve never been in a true “Queensbury Rules” donnybrook of a fistfight in my adult life.  I’ve always been a big guy with plenty of attitude and I think I just came off  to others as having a screw loose so nobody wanted to step to me.  Either that or– as some have reminded me–I’m a pussy who never puts himself in harm’s way.  We agree to disagree.
  11. Careers that I once seriously considered, to the point of looking into the required education and possible career paths include:  UFO Researcher, Paranormal Psychologist, Astrophysicist, Screenwriter, Film Director,  English Teacher, and Police Officer.  Sadly, instead I opted for Corporate Communications Multimedia Director.  Needless to say, UFO Researcher is looking pretty fucking awesome now.
  12. My first trip on an airplane didn’t occur until the age of 27.  On my first flight I was on a huge 747 sitting just ahead of the middle exit door.  As I took my seat I saw a couple of maintenance guys working on the door.  One guy got on his radio and said “Not gonna happen Bill, we’ll just have to wait”.  He then packed up his tools and left.  I stared at that door for the full 5 hours without blinking.  It still remains the record for “longest puckered asshole” of my life.
  13. My heroes are George Carlin, Leonard Cohen, and Hank Moody (David Duchovny’s character in Californication). The one thing they all have in common is each one of them invented their very own brand of “awesome” that copycats fail to pull off.  Let that be a lesson to anyone else bucking for the job of my hero.
  14. If granted the choice to rid the world of all suffering or all bordom, I’d pick bordom.  Choosing the prior would condemn us all to a world where all art, music, and film would totally suck ass.  That’s not a world I’m willing to live in.
  15. The only personal accomplishment I’ve ever truly been proud of was taking my first trip to New York City to play a rock show at the infamous CBGBs (only a few months before it closed down forever).
  16. From the ages of 8 to 13 I was the member of a well-established Break Dancing Crew known as the Airport Breakers (APB).  My specialties were the backspin and the worm.  I was good. Now I can’t bend at the waist.
  17. I played baseball for 10 years and actually had an opportunity to try out for a Junior A team (the lowest rung of the farm system) but would have had to leave school in April of my senior year and just couldn’t bring myself to do it.   Few people know I can even throw a baseball.
  18. I’m horribly afraid of all stinging insects.  My sister and I share this phobia.  In fact, we once jumped out of a rolling vehicle while in DRIVE, just because a bee was detected inside the passenger cabin.  My sister regained her senses and heroically jumped back in the car to stop it from running into a brick wall at 10km/h.  That was the bravest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.
  19. I have such a severe food sensitivity to onions, that given a choice to take a bite out of a raw onion or a stiff punch in the balls, I’d choose a punch to the balls every time.  If I was being interrogated by Al Queda, they could connect my nipples to electrodes and whip me with chains and I could hold out.  But put a plate of raw, diced onion and a spoon in front of me and I’ll tell them if I wear woman’s clothes for fun.  Answer is still no.
  20. I can’t have anything put in, around, or even near my eyeballs.  It’s the reason I wear glasses, not contacts.  I can’t even hold my eyes open to apply eye drops. In fact, I don’t think I could even WATCH someone put in a contact lens.  In hell, I will be surrounded by people who take their upper eyelids and flip the skin back (we all know kids who did this.  I hate these kids).
  21. I have an almost instinctual hatred of anything related to Oprah Winfrey.  This includes her show, her website, her book of the month, her humanitarian work, her film roles, and her giant pumpkin-like face.  If  I became famous one of my greatest joys would be making sure Oprah Winfrey and I had a huge celebrity feud.   I think its unfair I have to endure the discomfort and stress of hating her fat phony face without returning the favour.
  22. I’ve been on a bicycle ONCE in the past 6 years.  Not for any particular reason mind you… I just don’t consider it when making my transportation plans.  Oddly enough, one of my passions growing up was mountain-biking.  That’s right, my life is an exercise in contradiction.
  23. Unlike the majority of people I know, I have no desire to partake in any activity that includes the word DIVE: high dive, sky dive, skin dive, scuba dive, take a dive, dive in feet first, or stage dive.   All of these things either bore me, perplex me, frighten me, or just flat out suck.  I prefer to keep my feet on the ground and my head facing skyward.  Any activity that forces me to deviate from that is not my bag.
  24. I have an incredible pre-occupation with time and the precision of time.  All my clocks in my house are synchronized to the minute.  I even set the clock on my COFFEE MAKER to a time server (despite the fact I never use the timer features)!  In a related point,  I can leave my home to go anywhere at anytime of day in the city of Toronto and arrive at my intended destination within a few minutes either side of my expected arrival time.  It doesn’t matter the weather, time of day, amount of traffic, or mode of transportation, NOTHING stands in the way of me always arriving ON schedule.  Not early, not late…but BANG ON.  It’s like I’m a blood descendant of Father Time himself.

This one’s from my boy Nate.  I just got an email that simply said:

“Chinese Guy Cries at Double Rainbow… you’re welcome.”

So of course, I instantly had to witness this.

Holy fucking shit…its a chinese guy crying as he video tapes a double rainbow.  Outstanding.  I don’t know why… maybe because if I live to be 1000 years old this is one thing I will never… EVER… do.   But just take a moment and try to imagine the physical and mental changes I would have to undergo to turn me into THIS GUY:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1938190

5 THINGS THE WORLD COULD DO WITHOUT

Posted: July 6, 2010 in Uncategorized

This was a regular feature on a blog I wrote with my ex-girlfriend about 8 years ago.    I’m bringing it back.  The concept is simple: the world has way too much shit in it.  So to do my part, I’ve posted 5 things the world could do without.  There’s probably millions…but we’ll knock em down 5 things at at time.  HERE…WE…GO!

1. JUSTIN BIEBER

I have declared a fatwah on this little dick.  I’m not ready to just ‘accept’ this passes as entertainment to the youth of North America.  Even worse, I’m not ready to accept this punk is the idol of dykes around the world to the point of look-a-like contests. Rotting the minds of youth with your talentless drivel and destroying pop music is ONE thing…but mark my words Bieber, if  you ruin Lesbians too we’re going to have a fucking problem!

2. THE APPLE iPAD

“Hey look everyone!  I can read a book and or magazine on my iPad!!!” Congratulations asshole, now how about you try reading a book by…READING A FUCKING BOOK.  This doorstop runs like absolute shit, has BULLSHIT stripped down iWork Apps that don’t iWORK at all, and doesn’t even have a camera, or microphone.  Its essentially a giant iTouch without the portability.  I guess in the coffee house battle of who can look the most intellectual and productive, the “screenwriters with laptops” needed to be taken down a peg in the douche department.  Fact of the matter is, iPad came out years ago… it was a short lived Stayfree product…they don’t speak of it.

3. TWILIGHT

You really have to get up early in the morning to dream up a franchise I could hate more than the Harry Potter films. BUT YOU DID IT VAMPIRE LOVERS, YOU DID IT!  The sad thing is, its not really the movies I hate, its the fact that adults around the world seemed to miss the fact that this cheese factory was designed for 13 year olds!  When a Twilight commercial comes on the television, I stop what I’m doing and study every frame, trying to eek out some semblance of understanding as to WHY THE FUCK ANYONE LIKES THIS CRAP!  I know one thing for sure…pouty teenage Vampires really do suck. A lot.  And since when do werewolves, when in human form, look like Mexicans.  I thought that was chupacabras.  Oh well, Live and Learn.

4. E-HARMONY.COM

Congratulations eharmony… you successfully made me hate love.  I NOW HATE LOVE.  Thank you.  No, wait, I hate the people you help fall in love.  Do you know why?  Because they’re all “perfect” attractive independent business people in designer clothes who could find a date ANYTIME, ANYWHERE.  Now I get to sit through 60 seconds commercials showing them sharing umbrellas and catching fireflies with their kisses while they prattle on with shit like “I’ve loved her my whole life, I just hadn’t met her yet”.  Nobody says that and means it.  If you think you can… you’re probably a douche destined to be featured in an eharmony commercial, and I hate you.

5. FARMVILLE

If you’re over the age of 50, I get why you’re playing this game.  You’ve probably never used a computer that much and the contraption still confounds you.  If you are under the age of 50, and still find Farmville a productive use of your time, do me a favour… UNFRIEND ME ON FACEBOOK IMMEDIATELY!!!  I could not give a fiddler’s fuck if you need more chickens or bricks for your farmhouse or whatever other nonsense.  WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? And more importantly,  WHY ARE YOU INVOLVING EVERY PERSON YOU EVER KNEW!?!  Facebook is for connecting with your family and friends to exchange information.  How many horses you have in some fictional barnyard game DOES NOT COUNT as pertinent information.  P.S. I hope your farmhouse burns to the ground and your horse gets cancer.



Hello Again

Posted: July 5, 2010 in The Usual Stuff

I’ve decided to restart my blog, this time on a wordpress because it rules.  I had given up on the blogging game after 12 days… but last week I got one email.  You know who you are.  I started a blog a few weeks ago and felt like it was a waste of my time.  I was convinced no one was reading it.  Then I got that kind note, and realized someone was listening.  Maybe you all are.  If so, thanks for coming, and I promise I’ll make it worth your while.

I can’t promise everything I’ll say here will strike your fancy.  I’m bound to offend you, or  hate on something you hold dear.  If I don’t, you must be really cool.

At the end of the day…this blog is supposed to be entertainment, darlings… its SUPPOSED to be PROVOCATIVE!

So lets do this thing… Again