Archive for August, 2010


Posted: August 13, 2010 in Uncategorized

Those aren't tonsils!

I once read there are two types of dudes in the world…dudes that masturbate to internet pornography and the dudes that LIE about not masturbating to internet pornography.

I’m in the first group. (PSSST, we ALL are).

Over the years I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon I want to share. If you’re easily offended and hate people speaking in a hilarious way about punching the clown:

a.) Why are you even reading this blog?

b.) Stop reading this blog.

Back in the day, your dad/brother/uncle’s stack of Playboy magazines were all there was for young men to discover the beauty and physiological effect of the female form. Today, we live in a different world. We now live in the age of the internet; our new born sons will never know a world where porn of every imaginable kind is more than a few clicks away. Boggles the mind. We created this amazing digital network linking all the people of the world and what is it primarily used for? The distribution and consumption of porn. This, my friends, is the only thing that inspires me about mankind.

So, the phenomenon I speak of is THE BEFORE/AFTER EFFECT. Before I do the deed, my interest level is beyond the high water mark. Its truly like giving a starving man a rifle and sending him into the forest. You might be hankering for venison but you’re so fucking hungry that you’d shoot and happily consume a wombat if one wiggled by. That’s me at the keyboard after everyone’s in bed. Sure, I like to kid myself that I have standards, but my standards are so low that its hard for me to call it a “standard”. More like a boundary that if I cross, I personally would consider myself ‘gross’ or ‘sick in the head’.

Strangely enough, that border line expands in direct relation to the duration from launch time. Closer I get to launch, the wider the boundary gets. Midget Clown Porn, at the moment I type this, sounds unappealing. 20 seconds from launch, I’m not sure I could make that same distinction. Such is the nature of the beast. That first bite of wombat for the starving man is always wicked awesome.

Now lets consider the situation a few seconds AFTER launch. All of a sudden you look down and say…”Jesus fuck, I just ate a wombat.”

That’s a moment unlike many others. If I hear a song that moves me, read a book that inspires me, eat a meal that is unforgettably delicious, or watch a movie that entertains me, I remember it. Porn for all intent and purposes, is expendable. Literally SECONDS after the clown has been thoroughly boxed, I can’t click the “close” icon in the corner of my browser fast enough.

In fact, I challenge any dude reading this to get his freak on to his usual fare, experience the sweet bliss of rapture, and then, just for funsies, watch a couple more clips from the same page your on. The first thing you’ll realize is that you are fucking DISGUSTING. Second thing you’ll realize is YOU HATE IT. I wager there is nothing less hot in the world than the very same porn you were flailing like a monkey to 10 seconds ago.

On one site I enjoy for its sheer volume and variety, they actually have “user comments” under the clips. WTF? Now, I understand the need for some kind of rating system to let the pornographic cream rise to the top but what dude in the world would BOTHER to take time out of his life to engage in an intellectual DISCOURSE over “Asian Hottie With Wine Bottle”. Sadly, there are comments on these things. Lots of them. We have a name for the dudes that would be on a lesbian porn site and actually waste time reading porn clip comments: we call them women.

I admit, I sure do a lot of things with porn but PONDERING IT would not be one of those things. I will aptly close with the one universal catch-all comment I could type at the bottom of every porn clip I’ve ever watched:

“You disgust me. P.S. I’m done”