Posted: July 13, 2010 in Uncategorized

1. Never actually face an explosion. I wouldn’t have guessed this fit standard safety regulations…but apparently the correct way to detonate a massive explosion is to turn 180 degrees from the blast zone and start slowly walking away with a determined, yet calm look on your face. You then push the single-button detonator in your hand and KABOOOM. And don’t you dare flinch. Flinching is BUSH LEAGUE! If you can ignite the explosion by flicking a cigarette backwards and igniting a trail of gasoline without looking, all the better.

2. Before you get into some serious shit, you best find an old friend who thinks what you’re doing is wrong, but has your back no matter what. He’ll tell you your crazy… but then again so is he. Then the two of you must solidify your arrangement by engaging in a kind of underhanded handshake that sort of looks like you’re having an armwrestling match without a table. The less you say here the better… let the handshake do the talking.

3. If you tie a guy up and spend a good half hour beating the piss out of him trying in vain to extract information, be sure to keep a few steps back when you ask him if he’s ready to talk. He WILL spit in your face or headbutt you in the nose. This is a given. The spit will be bloody FYI…and Hepititus is real.

4. If you think that today of all days is a fine day to decide not to wear your Kevlar Vest because its too hot and/or restrictive, you pretty much just died, tough guy. Like, Lay down man… you’re already dead.

5. If you’re the low man on the terrorist totem pole here’s a tip: If your lookouts suddenly stop answering their walkies, and the boss tells you to go check it out, tell him to suck your dick. Its not a problem with the radio… IT’S NEVER THE RADIO!

6. Human shields are bullshit. The person aiming a gun at you will either kill your human shield to show you how bad ass he is, or just aim up and to the left a bit and take you square between the eyes. Not to mention the human shield or two out there that will stomp your foot or elbow you in the gut! Just a horrible plan from the get go. You know what works better, stay inside the bank!

7. Nothing puts the sizzle back into an estranged marriage like a good old fashioned hostage situation. In fact, multiple homicides and a few gunshot wounds can really bring your deflated lovelife into perspective. If you want to get your relationship back on track, just put that hate-filled spouse into a dangerous perdicament and then proceed to save their ass. Mass murder sure does make a girl horny! Can you say “bow-chicka-wow-wow”. You look damn good in that emergency blanket!


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