10 Kinds of Douche Bag

Posted: July 7, 2010 in Uncategorized
  1. You hold your fingers up as “antennae” behind people’s heads in photos thinking YOU made THEM look foolish. Sorry, I’m confused, was this ever funny? Seems like a dick move that just ruins pictures for no apparent reason. Douche!
  2. When you come up to enter a door that happens to be open, instead of saying “hello” to the occupants you do a faux knock by saying “Knock Knock!”. This also goes for people who, instead of using the accepted pleasantry “excuse me”, prefer to make a horn sound, “Beep Beep”. Unless you’re that black guy from Police Academy I could do without your brilliant impressions of inanimate objects!
  3. If your car has a subwoofer kickin’ out bass low enough to make me lose control of my bowels. Often, insult is added to injury by subjecting us all to a steady diet of rave-worthy techno day in day out. I don’t know about you, but I do not need these jarheads driving around my neighborhood in their portable dance club.
  4. You camp outside in front of a store for more than 4 hours to buy a book, movie, video game, or gaming console. If you just wait a week you can do yourself a favour and purchase it with some dignity. Thinking you’ve accomplished something by reading Harry Potter before anyone else shows a distinct problem with your value structure.
  5. If you inflict pain on friends or family using any of the following methods: Wedgies, Purple Nurples, Horsie Bites, Indian sunburns, Wet Willies or Noogies. If the ridiculous names don’t give it away– you fucking douche bags– the awkward silence that lingers after others are forced to watch this tom foolery should.
  6. If your car has a personalized license plate. This one doesn’t even need an explanation. You’re a douche…end of discussion. Unless of course you’re driving a time machine Delorian… but you’re not.
  7. Anyone who frequents the IT Store or any store like the IT Store. Listen douche, a cup fashioned into a giant nipple that you drink out of isn’t funny or clever. Nor is your hilarious “fart machine”. You are NOT FUNNY TO ANYONE. Eat poison. We hate when you bring this shit out.
  8. Any guy who wears dress shoes that are pointier and more expensive than his girlfriend’s shoes, is a douche. Don’t believe me, head down to the club district or Yorkville on a weekend. You’ll see.
  9. Any man, who in the year 2010, still thinks spiky hair with frosted tips and a weirdly shaped, “Nasca Lines” of a goatee is working. I see you enter a party and I go hide by the spinach dip. I’m sure you’re a real raconteur… but your B44 hairstyle is making my eyes burn with enough product to choke a horse. You stink of strippers… and not in a good way.
  10. If you drive a Jeep with the doors off, enjoy wearing muscle shirts, own a rope necklace with some tribal symbol, and cap it off with a straw cowboy hat, I’m pretty sure you’re a douche. Listen, life isn’t a juicy fruit commercial you silly son of a bitch. I get it…you’re extremely extreme. Now cover your jeep, put on a shirt and get a job. Douche.

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