5 THINGS THE WORLD COULD DO WITHOUT

Posted: July 6, 2010 in Uncategorized

This was a regular feature on a blog I wrote with my ex-girlfriend about 8 years ago.    I’m bringing it back.  The concept is simple: the world has way too much shit in it.  So to do my part, I’ve posted 5 things the world could do without.  There’s probably millions…but we’ll knock em down 5 things at at time.  HERE…WE…GO!

1. JUSTIN BIEBER

I have declared a fatwah on this little dick.  I’m not ready to just ‘accept’ this passes as entertainment to the youth of North America.  Even worse, I’m not ready to accept this punk is the idol of dykes around the world to the point of look-a-like contests. Rotting the minds of youth with your talentless drivel and destroying pop music is ONE thing…but mark my words Bieber, if  you ruin Lesbians too we’re going to have a fucking problem!

2. THE APPLE iPAD

“Hey look everyone!  I can read a book and or magazine on my iPad!!!” Congratulations asshole, now how about you try reading a book by…READING A FUCKING BOOK.  This doorstop runs like absolute shit, has BULLSHIT stripped down iWork Apps that don’t iWORK at all, and doesn’t even have a camera, or microphone.  Its essentially a giant iTouch without the portability.  I guess in the coffee house battle of who can look the most intellectual and productive, the “screenwriters with laptops” needed to be taken down a peg in the douche department.  Fact of the matter is, iPad came out years ago… it was a short lived Stayfree product…they don’t speak of it.

3. TWILIGHT

You really have to get up early in the morning to dream up a franchise I could hate more than the Harry Potter films. BUT YOU DID IT VAMPIRE LOVERS, YOU DID IT!  The sad thing is, its not really the movies I hate, its the fact that adults around the world seemed to miss the fact that this cheese factory was designed for 13 year olds!  When a Twilight commercial comes on the television, I stop what I’m doing and study every frame, trying to eek out some semblance of understanding as to WHY THE FUCK ANYONE LIKES THIS CRAP!  I know one thing for sure…pouty teenage Vampires really do suck. A lot.  And since when do werewolves, when in human form, look like Mexicans.  I thought that was chupacabras.  Oh well, Live and Learn.

4. E-HARMONY.COM

Congratulations eharmony… you successfully made me hate love.  I NOW HATE LOVE.  Thank you.  No, wait, I hate the people you help fall in love.  Do you know why?  Because they’re all “perfect” attractive independent business people in designer clothes who could find a date ANYTIME, ANYWHERE.  Now I get to sit through 60 seconds commercials showing them sharing umbrellas and catching fireflies with their kisses while they prattle on with shit like “I’ve loved her my whole life, I just hadn’t met her yet”.  Nobody says that and means it.  If you think you can… you’re probably a douche destined to be featured in an eharmony commercial, and I hate you.

5. FARMVILLE

If you’re over the age of 50, I get why you’re playing this game.  You’ve probably never used a computer that much and the contraption still confounds you.  If you are under the age of 50, and still find Farmville a productive use of your time, do me a favour… UNFRIEND ME ON FACEBOOK IMMEDIATELY!!!  I could not give a fiddler’s fuck if you need more chickens or bricks for your farmhouse or whatever other nonsense.  WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? And more importantly,  WHY ARE YOU INVOLVING EVERY PERSON YOU EVER KNEW!?!  Facebook is for connecting with your family and friends to exchange information.  How many horses you have in some fictional barnyard game DOES NOT COUNT as pertinent information.  P.S. I hope your farmhouse burns to the ground and your horse gets cancer.



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Comments
  1. g sizzle says:

    agreed on 4 of 5 points… i still believe that an iPad truly defines me as a person…

  2. miz mazzy says:

    I agree on four.point.nine out of five…. Justin Bieber is annoying, but I’ve caught myself tapping my foot to his diddy “Somebody to Love.”

    Couldn’t agree more re: Farmville.

  3. Had my junk puked on! says:

    Big D, this is by far some of the funiest shit that I have read in a long time! You have quite the quick sense of humour my friend. The comments about ruining lesbians and horses getting cancer almost made me puke on someones junk! This blog reminds me of Peter Griffon’s “Grinds my gears” You truly can rant my friend! lol

  4. Puked on his junk! says:

    LMFAO!!! You kill me!!! I am sitting at reception right now laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face!!!

  5. Lil' M says:

    how come no one makes the connection with the vampires/werewolves? it’s called BEASTIALITY and it’s not cool!!!

  6. Dastardly Dave says:

    Kay! Finally a place to actually say the things that need to be said! Love it! Who the hell gave the pigmies in South Africa those damn noise makers…Jesus H. Christ the World cup sounds like an Indy car race…should be glad they didn’t give them machetes…Way to go South Africa now the entire world knows your fucked

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