Posted: July 6, 2010 in Uncategorized

Here’s 24 interesting factoids you might not know about yours truly.  If you read this, I guarantee you’ll learn something about me.  If you don’t… your an asshole who clearly hates awesome, so piss off.

  1. I have a severe phobia of barfing.  Not OTHER people barfing… ME barfing.  Therefore I do not fear those who are sick from the drink…only if they have the flu which I could in turn be infected by, thus making me barf.  Even my phobias are self-centered!  I’m consistent, if anything.
  2. I absolutely love the smell of gasoline, markers, and lighter fluid.  Not enough to “huff” it, but pretty damn close and I make no promises  for the future.
  3. I wrote my first joke when I was only 4 years old.  It goes a little something like: “What do you call a door with the Measles?  The Polka-dot Door!”   Boom…roasted bitch.
  4. I’ve secretly coveted any man on the face of the earth who own a chimpanzee outright.  Not some douche bag at the zoo throwing bananas for minimum wage, I’m talking OWNS a chimp… for keeps.  If I owned a chimp, instead of having to go with a mere POSTER of a chimp on the toilet reading the newspaper on my bathroom wall…I could have an actual chimp reading the newspaper ON MY TOILET.  It blows the mind.
  5. I was so in love with the Peanuts Gang (Charlie Brown and friends) that as a small child, anytime one of the various holiday specials would be on TV, I would sit only inches from the screen.  When the program ended, I knew I was fresh out of Chucky B joints until the next holiday rolled around.  This would invariably  send me into a blood rage that ended with an inconsolable little boy HUGGING the television screaming goodbye.  Sniff…that shit was REAL, yo.
  6. I constantly sing to myself… like… all the time.  Even when I’m doing sweet dick all.  The weirdest part of this phenomenon is that I don’t sing actual songs or even words that make any fucking sense.  I just kind of… freestyle.  Actually, take the concept of “freestyling” then imagine all the good things that word imbues and remove them completely and that’s what I do.  I don’t know the actual meaning of the word “caterwalling” …but this could be it.
  7. From the age of 19 to 21 years old I suffered horrible insomnia, sleeping no more than 3 hours a night.  Irreparable brain damage?  Believe it.  The only thing that could put me to sleep was my 17-tape VHS collection of recorded “Star Trek: TNG” episodes.  Because of this, I now can catch approximately five seconds of any episode and tell you what episode it is.  An admittedly pathetic, yet so far unmatched talent.
  8. I’m confused by the fact that I’m APPARENTLY the only person in the world who thinks a freshly opened can of Tuna smell EXACTLY like cat piss.  Don’t get me wrong, I quite like tuna…but I’m just saying, in a blindfold smelling test, I could not differentiate between tuna, and cat piss.  End of Discussion.
  9. I will chew a piece of gum all day long.  Some people spit the gum out the second the flavour is gone.  I argue the flavour is NEVER gone.  Oh, and in case you’re wondering, eventually the gum hardens into a puddy-like consistency, then begins to disintegrate as my mouth juices slowly digest it like a boa constrictor.  Few of you know this, because you don’t commit to an old-fashioned gum-chewin’ like I do.
  10. I’ve never been in a real fight.  I mean, there were some all-out shoving and tripping battles back in grade 2 but I’ve never been in a true “Queensbury Rules” donnybrook of a fistfight in my adult life.  I’ve always been a big guy with plenty of attitude and I think I just came off  to others as having a screw loose so nobody wanted to step to me.  Either that or– as some have reminded me–I’m a pussy who never puts himself in harm’s way.  We agree to disagree.
  11. Careers that I once seriously considered, to the point of looking into the required education and possible career paths include:  UFO Researcher, Paranormal Psychologist, Astrophysicist, Screenwriter, Film Director,  English Teacher, and Police Officer.  Sadly, instead I opted for Corporate Communications Multimedia Director.  Needless to say, UFO Researcher is looking pretty fucking awesome now.
  12. My first trip on an airplane didn’t occur until the age of 27.  On my first flight I was on a huge 747 sitting just ahead of the middle exit door.  As I took my seat I saw a couple of maintenance guys working on the door.  One guy got on his radio and said “Not gonna happen Bill, we’ll just have to wait”.  He then packed up his tools and left.  I stared at that door for the full 5 hours without blinking.  It still remains the record for “longest puckered asshole” of my life.
  13. My heroes are George Carlin, Leonard Cohen, and Hank Moody (David Duchovny’s character in Californication). The one thing they all have in common is each one of them invented their very own brand of “awesome” that copycats fail to pull off.  Let that be a lesson to anyone else bucking for the job of my hero.
  14. If granted the choice to rid the world of all suffering or all bordom, I’d pick bordom.  Choosing the prior would condemn us all to a world where all art, music, and film would totally suck ass.  That’s not a world I’m willing to live in.
  15. The only personal accomplishment I’ve ever truly been proud of was taking my first trip to New York City to play a rock show at the infamous CBGBs (only a few months before it closed down forever).
  16. From the ages of 8 to 13 I was the member of a well-established Break Dancing Crew known as the Airport Breakers (APB).  My specialties were the backspin and the worm.  I was good. Now I can’t bend at the waist.
  17. I played baseball for 10 years and actually had an opportunity to try out for a Junior A team (the lowest rung of the farm system) but would have had to leave school in April of my senior year and just couldn’t bring myself to do it.   Few people know I can even throw a baseball.
  18. I’m horribly afraid of all stinging insects.  My sister and I share this phobia.  In fact, we once jumped out of a rolling vehicle while in DRIVE, just because a bee was detected inside the passenger cabin.  My sister regained her senses and heroically jumped back in the car to stop it from running into a brick wall at 10km/h.  That was the bravest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.
  19. I have such a severe food sensitivity to onions, that given a choice to take a bite out of a raw onion or a stiff punch in the balls, I’d choose a punch to the balls every time.  If I was being interrogated by Al Queda, they could connect my nipples to electrodes and whip me with chains and I could hold out.  But put a plate of raw, diced onion and a spoon in front of me and I’ll tell them if I wear woman’s clothes for fun.  Answer is still no.
  20. I can’t have anything put in, around, or even near my eyeballs.  It’s the reason I wear glasses, not contacts.  I can’t even hold my eyes open to apply eye drops. In fact, I don’t think I could even WATCH someone put in a contact lens.  In hell, I will be surrounded by people who take their upper eyelids and flip the skin back (we all know kids who did this.  I hate these kids).
  21. I have an almost instinctual hatred of anything related to Oprah Winfrey.  This includes her show, her website, her book of the month, her humanitarian work, her film roles, and her giant pumpkin-like face.  If  I became famous one of my greatest joys would be making sure Oprah Winfrey and I had a huge celebrity feud.   I think its unfair I have to endure the discomfort and stress of hating her fat phony face without returning the favour.
  22. I’ve been on a bicycle ONCE in the past 6 years.  Not for any particular reason mind you… I just don’t consider it when making my transportation plans.  Oddly enough, one of my passions growing up was mountain-biking.  That’s right, my life is an exercise in contradiction.
  23. Unlike the majority of people I know, I have no desire to partake in any activity that includes the word DIVE: high dive, sky dive, skin dive, scuba dive, take a dive, dive in feet first, or stage dive.   All of these things either bore me, perplex me, frighten me, or just flat out suck.  I prefer to keep my feet on the ground and my head facing skyward.  Any activity that forces me to deviate from that is not my bag.
  24. I have an incredible pre-occupation with time and the precision of time.  All my clocks in my house are synchronized to the minute.  I even set the clock on my COFFEE MAKER to a time server (despite the fact I never use the timer features)!  In a related point,  I can leave my home to go anywhere at anytime of day in the city of Toronto and arrive at my intended destination within a few minutes either side of my expected arrival time.  It doesn’t matter the weather, time of day, amount of traffic, or mode of transportation, NOTHING stands in the way of me always arriving ON schedule.  Not early, not late…but BANG ON.  It’s like I’m a blood descendant of Father Time himself.
  1. Dee - Sister of Daryl says:

    Ah brilliant. Good times…

    Oh and I can corroborate many of the above statements…

  2. Lil' M says:

    I actually have no words for this….like seriously…on all 25 points, I either totally agree with you and share the same affliction, or I am completely stunned into silence by your affliction.

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